CLose, but no Cigar!

I hate feeling as if I don't belong. Aaaaaand, it's just that simple. I could actually place a period here and that be the end of my post, because it sort of sums up the entire meaning of this post. And it's funny to me how one, or a few words can tell an entire story.

See, I find myself smashed somewhere between, a Sufi, a Hippie, an Artist, an Activist, Passive Aggressive, and just trying to stay afloat. But, that doesn't complete me by far. There is much more, and I guarantee you if I were to have written this earlier, or later tonight even, I'd only have a few of these words and

a few different ones. Which just means, I can't be boxed in, and am a combination of many things. But, let's get to the point, I don't want to lose you before I scratch the surface.

I've always been the different one, even when I was a little girl. My group of friends were always closer to one other, than I was to any of them individually. I haven't quite found anyone to match my random, convicted, and somewhat twisted view of life, Religion, and Culture. I'm not sure if it's a lesson from God to teach me the importance of needing only Him, or just the cold reality of life, and the fact that no two people are exactly alike. But I've never been internally at home with anyone BUT Him. I feel I can get along with anyone, so don't get me wrong. I also feel as if I am a person who, does not like to, but, can adapt to my surroundings at any time if need be. But there is still that me, inside of me, that is never fulfilled by anything but me, and Him. Or Him, and I.

I wish this were some epiphany I had, and that I could tell a story about how I dreamt that God were holding a place for me in paradise, or that He sent me a sign saying I was special; but it's not. It's just that little girl from 52nd Street who always wanted to be different, didn't talk much until about 11 years old, that grew up impoverished, yet loving life, sharing a fraction of who she is to the world. And I don't know why. I'm not sure why society has made himself worthy enough to know this about me now, but, for some reason, he has.

Could it be:

*the acceptance of self

*a learning experience

*a level of discovery

* a journey I'm about to embark on

Or simply, me just being my random self again? I'm not sure what it is that warrants this delicate piece of the pie that I am sharing, but that may be part of it too. All I do know is that, I'm finally understanding that I'm

not like anyone I know, or have ever met. I'm just me. I don't ask God why has He made me in a way that I feel I can't relate to anyone, nor do I question why He has made others in a way that I feel is so different from me. But what I do ask, is for Him to grant me understanding and contentment with His creation, and what He has ordained.

And with that my heart rests. Even in me just knowing that I have requested that favor from Him, I can rest, knowing that one day it WILL hit me like a lightning strikes.

Fact still remains. . . .

BeeTrue